Posted in Recovery, Uncategorized

I Am…

We had to write this poem for a group one of the first weeks I was at EDCD. The class was primarily about learning how to distinguish your eating disorder self from your authentic self and it basically caused me to have a mid-mid-life crisis and made me realize I had no idea, at all, who I was without my eating disorder. So this poem, which was made to be written in about an hour took me a week-and-a-half, but I did finish it and am pretty proud of it. I’ve learned a lot about myself, about my eating disorder, about so many things since I wrote this and I think it all still stands true. I know that I still have a long ways to go as far as learning who I am, but I think this definitely gives me some good goals. I’m hoping there is a day that I can read this and say that it is who I am and not who I want to be, but we call that future-tripping in treatment so I’m just going to focus on who I am and where I am right now. 🙂

Hi! I’m Melissa,

I’m Melissa and honestly I’m not too sure who I am but I know for sure that I’m not my eating disorder.

Here’s who I think I am and who I’m trying to become:

I am intelligent.

I am a baby sister and a best friend.

I am a born and bred Hoosier.

I am organized and neat (sometimes a little too much).

I am incredibly independent (but I’m learning that it’s okay to ask for help too.)

I am a little fish in a big pond that is getting smaller.

I am caring and compassionate.

I am driven.

I am a Christian.

Sometimes I think I’m a burden.

(I’m working on believing that that’s not true.)

I am a student and a self-declared life-long learner.

I am a mentor and a leader.

Sometimes I am outgoing and passionate, sometimes I’m quiet and reserved.

I am a planner who is trying to learn to accept spontaneity.

Sometimes I feel ashamed and alone.

Sometimes I don’t know how to express how I feel.

I am athletic and outdoorsy.

I am always down for a good hike or a game of soccer.

I am both a dreamer and a doer (although I am a dreamer that could probably believe in her dreams a little more and a doer that could probably doubt herself less).

Sometimes I am brave, sometimes I’m scared.

I am giving.

I am someone who truly wants to make a difference (even if it’s just a small one).

A lot of the time I feel inadequate but I’m really working on believing that I am enough.

Sometimes I feel hopeless.

I am loved (although sometimes I feel unlovable).

I am stronger than I think.

I am an encourager who is learning how to be encouraged.

Sometimes I feel proud of my accomplishments and sometimes I am worried that I won’t amount to anything.

I believe that life is better when you’re laughing.

I am incredibly sarcastic.

I believe that vulnerability leads to connection.

I am a complex hodgepodge of emotions and feelings.

I am learning that it’s okay to not be okay.

I’m glad to be alive.

I am who I am and I am learning how to accept that.

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